Saying no to people, activities, or situations that drain your energy can help you reduce your anxiety.

Women learn how to put others' thoughts and feelings above their own. Many women do this at work, at home, and in relationships. You might find yourself at a crossroads, ready to start saying no but unsure where to start. When you first begin to say no, put limits on your time, energy, and who you spend your time with; saying no could be difficult at the start. The good news is that it gets better with practice. The default conditioning of women is to consent, be subservient, and accommodate, say no can feel scary. Feeling scared when you say no for the first time is entirely normal. Some of my clients share that they were shaking the first time they had to say no or set a boundary.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary”.”

— Brene Brown

Brittany was a 33-year-old kick-ass woman who received her Master's, and I was thinking about pursuing her Ph.D. Brittany knew that she had a lot to offer the world, and she practiced dedication, motivation, and hard work to change her family's Scripps of poverty and struggle. Brittany was the first woman and her whole family to receive her undergrad, her master's, and the opportunity to pursue her Ph.D. Brittany got herself an apartment and was living life, so she thought. Brittany came to therapy because whenever she would be around her father, she would ignore her feelings, not say what she was thinking, and fall into the old family pattern. Brittany was fraught with anxiety. Brittany was an accomplished, hard-working kick-ass person and still struggled with anxiety. The old family pattern was that Brittany would be pretty polite, and I haven’t even the thoughts, opinions, and listen.

You can say No!

*

You can say No! *

Brittany‘s culture was very conservative and had some British influence. Speaking up to her father caused Brittany to have severe anxiety, stomach aches, and go into shutdown mode. Brittany shut down and looked like smiling, nodding her head, imploding, and getting resentful on the inside. Brittany wanted to walk out of the room and scream at the top of her lungs. Resentments and bottled-up feelings sometimes come out at work where she gets passive-aggressive with coworkers or authority figures. Brittany couldn’t understand why she was feeling all this anxiety about saying no if she could conquer all of her other anxieties and move through old beliefs or patterns of being. She had a hard time saying no.

Click here to download your free guide to saying no

Brittany put the pedal to the metal and used her battle energy, and worked on understanding boundaries. She went on to understand what happens when she says no. She was blown away at how she felt! Through the power of a strong therapeutic relationship, Brittany felt and understood that she was worthy and that she had a right to say no, and that’s OK. After doing the hard work and practicing setting small boundaries in her life, Brittany could say no to her father and set boundaries around her time, energy levels, and how she showed up in her relationships. Taking her power back was significant and created a massive shift for Brittany. She transformed her fear into empowerment where she could have a more fulfilling relationship and show up more authentically with her father instead of being this shell of a child that needed to fill his void.

3 Tips to Reduce Your Anxiety:

Check-in with how you’re feeling: Many women focus on others' needs and are good at guessing what the other person wants. Before you have a challenging conversation, try to take a couple of breaths and check-in with how you’re feeling. When you can identify how you’re feeling, you’ll have more ease expressing yourself and sharing openly. Anxiety can ramp up when you haven’t paid attention to what you’re feeling, and your feelings feel pent up.
Get in your body: Move, walk around, do something you enjoy, and allow energy to move out of your body. Moving helps you process the energy in your body. Before saying no or having a challenging situation, try to move around and see how you feel.
Talk it out: Talking to a trusted friend who has earned to hear your story helps you understand what you need to say and feel supported.

Soul Glue Reflection:What do you need to say no to?

Check out Gabe Howard’s Podcast interview with Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free author, Terri Cole.