How to say no when you’re a people-pleaser: 3 Steps to Help you say No.
“Be nice, share, think of others, don’t say that, it’s mean, let’s be nice to them”. These are some of the messages many of my clients have heard in their childhood. Can you relate? There is nothing inherently wrong with teaching children to be nice, caring, and loving people. Jeez, I want that for all our relationships, families, and communities, however there is a definite downside to teaching ‘niceness’ without healthy boundaries and a well resounding NO.
No might have not been in your vocabulary as a child. You might have read between the lines in your parents or teachers attitudes and quickly saw that sometimes they don’t like when you say no. You may have been raised from a young age to be kind and get along with others. You’ve even got accolades from teachers and others on your ‘good’ behavior. If you’re like me and my clients you weren’t taught that saying no is kind and helps you connect in a real way. You’ve been taught that being nice means to swallow your opinion to make others comfortable around you. You’re pretty darn good at it, but you’re tired and have things to say, but not sure how to say them. You’re not alone. My clients comes to me when they’re exhausted, angry, and drained. They have no energy left for anything. They want to crawl into a hole and go hide from people. You know it is not a permanent solution, but darn does it sound lovely right now.
So the question is what happens when you just teach young girls to be nice? I am a recovering nice girl. I tried to be nice for a long, but got myself into fights with some people because I was not taught how to be nice and have boundaries. I remember a girl in grade school who would not stop teasing me about my school uniform. I was taught to turn the other cheek, but after a while, I could’t. I asked her to stop, but she didn’t and I thought it was a good idea to run up behind her and hang on her pony tail. Obviously, not a good choice. I am not condoning violence by any means, but to illustrate how hard it is to be the nice and kind person you want without knowing how to have boundaries is incredible hard!
I was taught from a young age to serve others and knew just what to say to make them feel better. It was part survival and part my empathic nature. Many of my clients struggle with feeling like they’re ‘too much’. Oh my word, there is no such thing as too much! Somewhere in their experience, they got the message that they’re too much. Feeling too much shut them down and continued on the path of listening and being the kind girl till they want to yell and scream. You’re at a loss, you want to share your feelings, maintain the connection, but feel so pissed that you just want to yell and push people out of your way. You’re not alone. This is when my clients come see me. They know that they are not the person they want to be with their spouse, family, and boss. They struggle with wanting to be kind and people-please and to stop feeling like a door mat.
Here are 3 things to remember when you are thinking of saying NO:
Give yourself permission to say no. Many of my clients weren’t given the opportunity, practice or permission to say no. This can be difficult at first because your’re default is saying yes and then feeling shitty afterwards.
Validate your feelings. It is okay for you to not want to do something. You can talk with a trusted friend or your therapist to help you find the validation inside to be okay with saying no.
Your’re putting energy coins back in your bucket. When you’re taught to be nice, much of your focus goes on the other person and you tend to forget about your energy levels. It is okay to think of your energy levels and what you need.
Let’s be real…. Saying no is hard and we can’t control others reactions. But, we can learn to manage our emotions so that we can hold the other persons experience with compassion and hold our ground. Being able to say no allows you more freedom and energy to be you, so you can truly connect with others in a real way. Being clear about your needs and boundaries is kind because you’re in touch with your feelings and kind enough to share them with the ones you love. You can feel empowered, peaceful, and connected with setting boundaries and saying no!
