Why is Authenticity so hard for people-pleasers…3 Questions to help you be Real
You learned to keep your head down, swallow your truth to make your family feel more at ease around you. It’s not a behavior you chose, but felt that you had to and it served a function in your family. As you walked into the world, you thought that being nice and people-pleasing was a way to maintain connections. But you soon realized there’s a cost to people-pleasing. You’re exhausted, tired, and feel ragged sometimes. You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with people-pleasing behaviors. Not sharing your thoughts, feelings, saying yes, when you really want to say no, and not sharing how you truly feel leaves you not knowing yourself and that is what makes authenticity so hard. When someone asks you what you need or want, you’re sometimes stumped and politely say, ”I’m okay with whatever or let someone chose the restaurant or activity”.
Authenticity is showing up in a way that honors your truth as well as the other person's truth. Then, why is authenticity so hard? Expressing your truth is a theme that I have been studying for 11 years and trying to understand for myself and in my client's lives. Some of my clients struggle with being authentic and then sharing that part with others because others are used to people-pleasing, diminishing yourself, or just sucking it all up to maintain connections that are one-sided.
Let me tell you story…
Lisa is a 38 year-old woman who was struggling with her business and came to therapy when she was tired and feeling stuck. She felt very responsible to maintain her relationship with her cold mother and distant father. Lisa realized that her family struggled with inter-generaltional trauma understood why her parents were the way they were. During her journey in therapy, she uncovered that she could still understand her parents and what they have been through, but she did not have to nurture relationships that did not give back to her. She wanted to maintain her relationship with her father and decided to talk to him every two weeks. Lisa was working hard on setting boundaries with her family and one Wednesday she had enough.
She called her father and he forgot about their talk. She was frustrated and annoyed. She said, “ok, I will wait till you’re done eating”. Lisa’s father called her back and then bluntly said, “Hey Lisa, the neighbor stopped by and wants to talk, could I call you back?”. By this point Lisa is angry and all the old narratives starting rolling through her head…”I don’t matter and here I’m putting in more work than I get back”. Lisa wanted to follow her old pattern of withdrawing and isolating herself, but she was able to connect with her hurt and share how she felt with her father. Lisa did not abandon herself or what she was feeling.
“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
3 Questions to help you connect to your authenticity:
What do I want to do in this situation? Am I wanting to please because I’m scared?
What feelings am I avoiding? What’s hard to feel when I speak my truth?
What support do I need as I speak my truth?
For such a long time, women have been taught to abandon themselves. The cultural messages we receive, whether they be verbal or nonverbal, either reinforces the idea of self-abandonment for the praise of her for the accolades of the outside world. When we first start to get to know ourselves again and really understand what works for you and doesn’t, many of my clients struggle with understanding why this is so hard and why others don’t accept it. They are a couple of reasons for this.
Authenticity does not mean others are going to accept or like the new boundary. So many clients have shared with me that the fear of not being excepted or having a boundary will impact our relationships or work life. In reality, authenticity is you accepting yourself on your terms. You’re not looking for validation or someone to pat you on the back for that. You’re clearly I can say communicating what is OK and what is not OK. Authenticity is something you practice daily. The main thing about authenticity is that you have to accept your own version of what’s OK, not OK and that it’s OK for you to show up with those boundaries in place or new boundaries in place. For many years you’ve had many other peoples' back. It’s OK to have your own back and communicate that with others.
Soul Glue Reflection:
What is something you are going to permit yourself to do, say, feel?
