Two Tips to Stop Over-Giving: How women can decrease their anxiety by setting confident boundaries.
Over giving will slowly slide you into full blown resentment.
I love the funny, poignant SNL skit with Kristen Wiig as the mom at Christmas? The music video starts with all the family members, dad, brother, sister singing what they got for Christmas. And of course, all the gifts are lavish, really thoughtful, and sweet. But then The video cuts to Kristen Wiig as the mom, and she sarcastically says everything she got, including a robe, a flat Christmas sock, and to take care of the dog. It is a funny satirical skit about how women overgive. And at the same time, this is how many of my clients feel. You might think like Kristen Wiig ultimately in utter disappointed, resentful, pissed off, believing in your head, “ what the fuck?”.
When you had just about enough!
Are you not alone? Did you get a manual on how to deal with other giving? Will I intuitively guess a big fat no? Yes, it sucks. Would you please let me tell you a little story? It is called the boiling frog. The boiling frog is from a fiction book called the story of me by Daniel Quinn. Let me revise it to the woman’s version:
There once was a beautiful, smart, intelligent, confident, insightful, energetic young girl named Lena. Lena had a fantastic imagination, a big beautiful heart, and could understand her feelings and family. She is a great friend, confidant, and a beautiful soul. Lena loved teaching her parents or other students about things she learned, and she loves sharing that with them.
One day, Lena had to go to school like every other child or in her community. At school, something different happened to Lena. Lena learned that if she does what the teachers want her to do that she gets a warm/fuzzy cocktail feeling in her body. Because Lena liked people and had a big heart and excellent leadership skills, she built up her warm and fuzzy cocktail on the inside. So Lena will take every opportunity to get that acceptance from the teachers and her peers. After a while, the warm fuzzy cocktail was like a big bath, and she could swim in it. And for a time, things were great!
As Lena is happily swimming in her warm fuzzy cocktail, her own internal well, 1/needs, authentic self is building a little fire underneath us, a warm and fuzzy cocktail. So at first, she thinks it’s warm and cozy and delightful. What does he go on, and she still kind of ignores her voice and what she wants and needs? That fire turned on the deal, and it became hotter. Lena doesn’t know that she’s in this warm fuzzy cocktail soup, and there is a fire that’s getting to be very big and bringing her to the point of boiling where she’s uncomfortable.
When you are at your max boiling point.
And so, Lena had to make a tough decision. Lena thought to herself that she could stay in this one fuzzy cocktail and boil today, or she could jump out. So you can imagine how nervous, scared, and overwhelmed Lena might’ve felt. She was used to a warm fuzzy cocktail, which was her life. She based her identity her way of being in the world on this warm fuzzy cocktail, and now she had to leave it? Lena loved her warm fuzzy cocktail and didn’t want to leave. She based all of her identities on that warm fuzzy cocktail, which her culture and family mirrored back to her. And she was living in a fire of resentment. Even the one for the cocktail felt like resentment at this time. You see, Lena didn’t know that The warm fuzzy cocktail was warming up or even starting to boil until she ignored her self became so blatant that it shifted her perception.
Lena was sick and tired of boiling, and her skin was going to be uncomfortable, and she was hot, and it wasn’t good, so she decided to jump out. Oh, this was a tricky jump. Because now she didn’t have a warm fuzzy cocktail, and she was out on the land without the warm fuzzy warm around her. She felt as if she was walking in a desert with no life, no connection, nothing around it to soothe her burnt skin angry heart. Eventually, she found a beautiful, wise old woman along her journey. This beautiful wild old woman lived on the edge between the desert at this beautiful luscious gorgeous garden. The garden was filled with fresh vegetables and fruits, they were flowers everywhere, and there was a minor brick road leading to the most beautiful refreshing water that Lena had ever seen. The lovely old wild lady looked at Lena and said, it’s about time I was expecting you. As you can imagine, Lena was so surprised this lady knew her, and she thought I didn’t see this woman from anywhere. But Lena was very tired and hungry, and his skin needed attending to, so she went in with a beautiful wild woman. Lena decided to stay there for a while because it was pleasant, but the lady did her work which was a little annoying. Lena had to bring stones from the desert and decorate the beautiful lush pots.
Eventually, Lena made it into the water and sank her tired body into this beautiful cleansing water. Upon coming out of the water, something miraculously happened to her skin. Her skin was smooth and soft, and she noticed a slight warm fuzzy fire feeling in her belly. The old beautiful, wise woman looked at her and said, “Lena, my beautiful child, you have a moment how to turn nothing into something so beautiful, and you have learned how to live in both worlds. I know that there’s nourishment”. Because Lena John’s out of the warm fuzzy cocktail that was boiling, Lena was able to find a depth and a false sense of power within herself that was beyond anything she could’ve imagined. Lena knew that the desert and the beautiful luscious water are both parts of her and that she’s strong enough that she’s able to maneuver through both and still find her ground.
When you finally realize-”What am I doing”?
Two strategies to help you notice when you are sliding and the resentment:
When someone asks you to do something, and you say that immediately yes, and it’s followed with a severe, “oh my god, what the fuck did I just do? I do not even care about this shit!”. This is a sign of slipping into resentment. Take a nice deep cleansing breath. And ask yourself why did you say yes and follow that thread for a while?
When you have so much anger towards your spouse, kids, or a friend making a simple request, you think you need new friends and family. Do a little checking, notice the way you’re feeling the anger in your body, and sit with why you might be so angry?
Sincerely,
