Why Can’t I Say No: How Your Fear Stories Keep You Stuck.
Learn to shine a light on your fear stories which is the shit you didn’t want to feel or acknowledge, and cram it tightly in your basement.
Basements are notorious for stuffing things we still like but are not ready to let go of. You’ve seen it. Your parent's basement is full of your old s@#$. Basements are like you’re subconscious. Your basement is full of emotions, thoughts, and painful experiences, and you’re not sure who to deal with. We all have basements; you’re not alone! You’re trying to find your way through all the stuff in the basement, but you’re falling over, stumbling, walking into walls, swearing cause you stubbed your toe, but it’s hard to put that light on and look at all the crap. You’d love to bypass it and get out of there. Let’s be real fear sucks! You’re scared to share your thoughts because you’re worried that you’d let someone down. You think of each horrible possible scenario that could go wrong; you're tired by the end of the day. You want to move forward, not be a doormat, and still have a connection.
You’ve all seen a cluttered basement!
Many of my clients feel stuck by all the fears they put in the basement. They’ve stuffed the unwanted feelings and thoughts in the basement and forgotten about them, but it’s still there. When clients come to me, their basements are dark, and they do not want to go down there. And they do everything else but go down to the basement. They rearrange your whole house and will buy two cases of fe-breeze, which is part of our human nature. But in reality, the only way out of the basement is through the basement. They’re scared and nervous to look at themselves. The fear acts as a messenger. It sucks and helps you see some of the stuff you need to clear out and unpack yourself. You might be wondering, “why do we need to go to the basement? Is there a different way of doing it?” If there was, and I had a magic wand, I would gladly and graciously give it to you. But unfortunately, there is no other way but through. Your fear stops you from saying no, speaking your truth with someone, taking time for yourself, and leaving you angry at others.
When you’re scared, but you know you want to look at why you struggle to say no.
Many of my clients come to therapy because they have their hazmat suits, mask, and goggles and are ready to go there. And you’re not alone! The cluttered basements are just negative stories and beliefs you thought were true about you, and you mistakenly took that as your identity. You know something is not right, you’ve tried all the other things, and sometimes it has another person who can guide and be safe as you go down into your basement to clean things out. The hard part is that no one else can do it. You have to do it for yourself. And that shit is hard! And you don’t have to do it alone!
Here are three tips to help you work through your fear:
When you notice your fear, acknowledge that you feel scared and gently say,” Ai, this hurts; I am scared to say no. I know I am not alone, and it is hard right now”.
Examine your fear of saying no. Am I worried they will not like me? Do I want to please someone? What is it that I need in this movement?
What are the costs of me NOT saying no?
Soul Glue Reflection:
I invite you to think of something you want to do. This could be something small like taking an art class or a cooking class, branching out on your own, or doing something creative. Notice what happens when you start entertaining the idea? I invite you to notice how your body feels? And I’d like you to write down your immediate reactions to a dream you have?
