3 Things to Remember When Saying No.
How being clear is being kind
“Be nice, share, think of others, don’t say that it's mean, let’s be nice to them.” These are some of the messages many of my clients have heard in their childhood. There is nothing inherently wrong with teaching children to be nice, caring, loving people. I want that for our relationships, families, and communities, but there is a downside to teaching niceness without teaching healthy boundaries.
You’ve been raised to be kind and get along with others from a young age. You’ve even got accolades from teachers and others for your good behavior. If you’re like my clients and me, you weren’t taught that saying no is kind and helps you connect in a real way. You’ve been taught that being nice means swallowing your opinion to make others comfortable around you. You’re pretty darn good at it, but you’re tired and have things to say but are not sure how to tell them. You’re not alone. My clients come to me when they’re exhausted, angry, and drained. They have no energy left for anything. They want to crawl into a hole and hide from people. They know it is not a permanent solution, but darn, it sounds lovely right now.
So the question what happens when you teach young girls to be nice? I am a recovering nice girl. I tried to be nice for a long but got myself into fights with some people because I was not taught how to be nice and have boundaries. I remember a girl in grade school who would not stop teasing me about my school uniform. I was taught to turn the other cheek, but after a while, I couldn't. I asked her to stop, but she didn’t, and I thought it was a good idea to run up behind her and hang on her ponytail. I am not condoning violence by any means, but illustrating how hard it is to be the nice and kind person you want without knowing how to have boundaries is hard!
I was taught from a young age to serve others and knew just what to say to make them feel better. It was part survival and part of my empathic nature. Many of my clients struggle with feeling like they’re ‘too much. Oh my word, there are no such things as too much! In their experience, they got the message that they’re too much. Feeling too much shut them down and continued on the path of listening and being the kind girl till they wanted to yell and scream. You’re at a loss; you want to share your feelings and maintain the connection but feel so pissed that you want to yell and push people out of your way. You’re not alone. This is when my clients come to see me. They know that they are not the person they want to be with their spouse, family, and boss. They struggle with wanting to be kind and people-please and stop feeling like a doormat.
When someone tries to call or text you when you are drained and hanging on by one string.
Here are three things to remember when you are thinking of saying NO:
Give yourself permission to say no. Many of my clients weren’t given the opportunity, practice, or permission to say no. This can be difficult at first because your default is saying yes and then feeling shitty afterward.
Validate your feelings. It is okay for you not to want to do something. You can talk with a trusted friend or your therapist to help you find the validation inside to be OK with saying no.
You're putting energy coins back in your bucket. When you’re taught to be nice, much of your focus goes on the other person, and you forget about your energy levels. It is okay to think of your energy levels and what you need.
Let’s be honest. Saying no is hard, and we can’t control others' reactions. But, we can learn to manage our emotions to hold the other person's experience with compassion and hold our ground. Being able to say no allows you more freedom and energy to be you, so you can genuinely connect with others in a real way. Being clear about your needs and boundaries is kind because you’re in touch with your feelings and kind enough to share them. You can feel empowered, peaceful, and connected by setting boundaries and saying no!
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