Bust Shame, Embrace Yourself!
Understanding your shame and anxiety story can help you move towards self-acceptance and self-compassion.
When we feel shame, we want to disconnect; we want to hide; we want to run into the forest and hide under a rock and never be seen. -Good old Shame
The two foremost leading badass experts in shame and self-compassion are Dr. Brené Brown and Dr. Kristen Neff. These two amazing women really bring all of who they are to their work into their life. To understand slowing down and the stories we tell ourselves, we need to know how shame operates in our lives, how we respond to it, and how it impacts us and others.
Shame is quiet and can be sneaky. In Dr. Brené Brown‘s Shame research, she identified three shame shields-ways we disconnect. Shame shields all behaviors that we engage in when we are flooded with shame. Dr. Brene Brown talks about the three shields: moving away, moving towards, moving against. Moving towards is the tendency to people please and do whatever others want you to do instead of thinking about your needs and what you need. Moving away is hiding from the situation and disconnecting from the relationship.
Moving against is getting really defensive and combative with the person/workplace. Many of my clients are stuck in between these three shields. They know how to be assertive, meet their needs, and see what they need to say to protect themselves. On the other hand, some clients are just people-pleasers and ignore their inner voice and set rigid boundaries and limits. They have an intuition or an opinion about a project or something at work, and they want to speak up, but when the boss tells them something, they crumble, follow what the boss wants and ignore themselves. And then I have some clients that disconnect entirely and kind of move away from everything, and they describe the experience as existing and floating above everything. The shields are essential because it’s a way to protect ourselves and protect our vulnerability. However, holding onto one or more shields for a long time can be exhausting. One factor is our culture and how we do not get the pro-active speech of being vulnerable, strong, and assertive. We are the braves ones taking on the responsibility and learning the skills. And that is very doable.
The first step to healing is awareness. Being aware of your patterns and responses gives you valuable insight into what you like and would like to work on. Understanding your shame shields and how you use them provided an opportunity to look at the shields, examine them, and build other tools and skills to help let the shield down. You will be able to move freely instead of carrying this heavy big metal shield that is so important. The shield seems protective now but is heavy, and you only have three options to use, which feels limiting. You can move freely and be yourself.
Soul Glue Reflection:
In a moment of shame, do you move against, away, or towards?
Sincerely,
